dream big

as a kid i wanted to be something different each day. the sky's the limit. my parent's indulged my dreams of being a barrel-racer, nurse, vet, teacher, businesswoman...even a trip to ecuador.

two years ago today was the day i boarded the plane to cuenca, ecaudor with selfish tears in my eyes to have to miss my family and holidays.

i have been thinking of my kids all day long. i made so many promises to myself when i came home, few of which i have kept. i guess i couldn't change as much as i thought i could.

funny how life gets in the way of life.

at the begining everything in ecuador seemed foreign. it was. i had felt like it was so primitive, especially the cloth diapers. looking back, different things seem foreign.

i remember towards the end of my stay, carlos, then two, got the flu. right after snack he began to pojectile vomit all over me. i had gotten so used to things like this, i didn't even gag! that's unusual. and those silly cloth diapers finally came in handy. the nuns came and whacked him with eucalyptus, to calm him.

i can really only remember how upsetting the whole event was. we weren't allowed to hold or love on him. just watch. and clean up about every 20 minutes. i would whisper promises to carlos, of change. but as i have found, he is the only one that can change his future.

he is 4 now. i wonder what he looks like, and how big he has grown. i wonder if he has stopped hitting, or just gotten better at it. does he know that i only had to stay in that orphanage for 2 months and then abondoned him to come home, to hugs and kisses, wealth, family...

there is something about having your heart broken by a lover. but it mends. you protect it better the next time. and eventually you give it to the right one.

but it is something fierce to have my heart broken by things i cannot change. culture. circumstance. limitations.

so on this day of remembrance i just wanted to say out loud, in case he can hear me
dream big carlos.